If I Was to Tell You....

If I was to tell you that I am confident

That would be a lie

The truth is that I long for the approval of others

Most of what I do has a hidden hope that

Someone will see me and realize how “good”

I am

If I was to tell you that I am truthful

That would be a lie

Honestly, I have tried to be, but I am

Continually tempted to work things out

In my own favor, or what I think

Will be my own gain (which many times is not)

If I was to tell you that I am loving

That would be a lie

I put on a mask (I’m sorry, it’s

An old cliché, I know, but it’s true)

I’m an actor, I want people to

Know that they are loved, so I fake

It sometimes and convince myself

That it is for their own good, while

I am hurting us both

If I was to tell you that I am faithful

That would be a lie

An obvious one at that, I tend

To forget my friends, miss important

Times for my own selfish gain. I

Purposely avoid people, and their

Loving outstretched arms, so that i

Can hide in my own unfeeling world.

If I was to tell you that I am brave

That would be a lie

Too often I hide from my own

Feelings, from the revelation of

My real thoughts and ideas. I

Keep them somewhere inside and

I loathe myself when they come

Out and especially when others notice

If I was to tell you that I am a man

That would be a lie

I am so scared and afraid of

This world. My heart breaks at

The thought of having to choose

A job that I will have to do

For the rest of my life. My heart

Cringes and quivers at the

Thought of choosing a wife and

Following through.

If I was to tell you that I am wise

That would be a lie

Wisdom, comes many times from experience

And I barely have any. All my thoughts,

That I so often think are original,

End up being false, and extremely wrong

And sometimes even hurtful when

I look back upon them. If I were

Wise I’d know to trust God and

I’d do that. Only a fool knows

To trust, yet still takes fate into

His own unskilled hands.

If I was to tell you that I am alive

That would be a lie

For I have tasted what it is to

Be alive, and have forgotten out

Of my own foolishness how

Amazing that is. Instead, I am

Choosing to live an empty life

Of routine and complacency, knowing

That I am safely stowed away

And do not need to worry about

Being discovered, but can go

On deceiving myself to the point

That comfort becomes nothing but

Doing the same things repeatedly

If I was to tell you that I am accepting

That would be a lie

Granted, God has changed my heart

From previous sins. I still bring

Assumptions to the table, because

I cling to a pride that holds others outside,

Which ultimately hurts myself.

If I was to tell you that I am honest

That would be a lie

Not only do I continually lie to others,

But I also purposely (maybe subconsciously)

Deceive myself. And in my deceit I

Find my false confidence, and somehow

Think (and act) upon what I think I

Should think and act upon. My heart is full

Of such a dark hope that my confidence

Is built on truth, but it is not. It is

Built upon minuscule accomplishments

Which I blow out of proportion in my

Own mind to better justify my actions.

While all I am doing is slowly drawing

Myself away from the honest confession

That I need God more than anything

In this world. I know the truth, but i

Am such a liar.

This all goes to say

That I have nothing that I can tell you

I a tired of lying to myself, but

As I say that part of me is longing

That you will agree with me and

Approve what I am saying so

That somehow I might gain

Status in your eyes, which

Is something that is so empty

This pattern continues as

My life hardens itself

And I will go into my future

Exploits not more like my

Savior, but more like myself

And I will hurt my wife,

Because of my calloused heart

And I will hurt my kids

Because I will have no way

To interact, to love, or to teach them

And I will hurt my friends

Because I have hurt everyone

Else and bitterness will

Soon takeover

And last of all, I will hurt You

My Savior, the one who came to l

Love me…

…i am so sorry…

…i can’t change me…

…i can do nothing…

…but i want to so badly…