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I wrote this poem in 2010 during a time of transition. God gave me a sense that He was leading me elsewhere, and both relief and loss welled up in my heart. I can't remember the exact day or moment when I wrote this--but it speaks to my heart level of tiredness in ministry, love for people and yet exhaustion at the output it can take. 

in scattering twilight
we make our messes reach the desired haven
beyond the light and shadows
she calls to me
‘creation. creation. creation.’

pounding desires like pistons
i fire aim, fire and aim
step from the cradle and into a vision
fire. aim. fire and aim.

walk the wire, wait and listen
till we see something paint past the system—
and still she knocks
            but my hand are too shaken
            my knees bent and broken
            and the door is locking from the inside?

and still she knocks
            without a word spoken
            never a point, a meaningful connection
she just toys, humming and dreaming a song
            while i scream

                        i want i want i want

            and in a roundaboutway
                        i know who she is
            now that i know what i’m missing
                        and in that small notion
                                    i possess everything.

            till in silence i lean against the door
                        sliding down to the floor, in exhaustion.


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